From McSweeney's.
Please Steal My Vespa
by Lucas Gardner
Dearest Neighbors,
You may have noticed the new Vespa motor scooter that has been parked outside my house. I had asked my wife Connie for a motorcycle for my birthday, but she said they’re too dangerous. On the morning of my birthday she surprised me with a brand new Vespa scooter instead.
If I don’t use the Vespa she takes it personally and gets very upset, so I’ve had to drive it to work everyday. It is humiliating.
I have “accidentally” left the Vespa un-chained, with the key in the ignition, in my front yard every night for the past three weeks and none of you have stolen it. I appreciate your moral decency in that regard, and your neighborliness means a lot to me, but I am giving you the go-ahead to please steal my Vespa.
I really don’t want to hurt Connie’s feelings. I don’t want to return the Vespa or sell it or lie to her in any way, but if one of you were to steal this glorified sidecar out of my yard so that I could tell her honestly that it was stolen, I’d be forever in your debt.
(continued)
by Lucas Gardner
Dearest Neighbors,
You may have noticed the new Vespa motor scooter that has been parked outside my house. I had asked my wife Connie for a motorcycle for my birthday, but she said they’re too dangerous. On the morning of my birthday she surprised me with a brand new Vespa scooter instead.
If I don’t use the Vespa she takes it personally and gets very upset, so I’ve had to drive it to work everyday. It is humiliating.
I have “accidentally” left the Vespa un-chained, with the key in the ignition, in my front yard every night for the past three weeks and none of you have stolen it. I appreciate your moral decency in that regard, and your neighborliness means a lot to me, but I am giving you the go-ahead to please steal my Vespa.
I really don’t want to hurt Connie’s feelings. I don’t want to return the Vespa or sell it or lie to her in any way, but if one of you were to steal this glorified sidecar out of my yard so that I could tell her honestly that it was stolen, I’d be forever in your debt.
(continued)
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